Laws of the lawless roads

Having had to put up with the fatigue of travelling to work in the MTC buses forced me to purchase a motorbike (popularly known in India as a “two-wheeler”). This was a risky decision given the fact that I did not know how to drive a geared vehicle till then. Yet I decided to take this risk rather than travel by the MTC.

I was quick enough to learn driving the vehicle but getting a driver's licence was not easy. I failed in a test for the first time in my life – a driving test for licence! However, being the sedulous guy I was, I tried the second time and was successful in obtaining the licence. In the interim, I risked my friend's life by forcing him to be my pillion rider (as I had only a learner's licence, I had to follow rules) and rode with my unfledged driving skill on the Grand Southern Trunk Road (yea, you have seen the expansion written in full for the first time in eons). I nearly crashed on a barricade which was placed in the road (supposedly to temper the speed of the unruly drivers) but was lucky to escape. This taught me the first law of driving on Chennai roads – there will be at least one close shave per journey.

I was confident of learning many more laws as I had to travel 49 km a day on the arterial roads of Chennai and in the bumpy roads of the southern suburbia, though I was not sure if I would be alive to chronicle them (luckily, I still survive – that is an accident by itself). Here are some more laws I learned:

• Mothers will not use a perambulator to walk their children and they will walk to the left of the child, leaving the child open to attack from the speeding vehicles (this perhaps shows that anything 'Left' – be it ideology or side, is bound to be 'sinister')

• Motor bikers will turn on their headlight in high beam in the mornings and never turn it on in twilight (a dangerous concoction of amnesia and frugality)

• An auto driver (an auto is a three wheeled, highly unstable motor vehicle that plies on the Indian roads) is a person who does not know how to drive but will teach you how to drive

• Auto drivers are sworn enemies of motor bike riders – each tries to harm the other and/or his vehicle – ironically, it is the hatch-back that gets harmed in this tussle

• MTC buses are castrated mammoths that lumber on the Chennai roads unmindful of anything around it

• An MTC bus driver is not cognizant of the following terms and objects – lane discipline (or for that matter - discipline), traffic signal, clutch pedal, rear view mirror

• The MTC driver is the patron of Chennai Tamil – his aides include the share auto drivers and tourist car drivers (and at times, his cronies in the seat near the engine incite him to coin new terms)

• Yellow light is the signal that encourages drivers to accelerate above 80 kph and cross the stop line

• All vehicles stopping beyond the stop line in case of a red signal is the best example socialism in practice

• Hatchbacks are the only vehicles that abide by their lane

• SUV drivers are not aware of the presence of a brake pedal in their vehicle

• It is riskier to ogle at the chick behind the hunk driving a Pulsar than to stare at the huge banners while driving on Mount Road

• When a vehicle comes on the wrong side, better leave way rather than chide the driver – this way, you not only save time, but also avoid gratuitous invectives

• Cyclists are the investment bankers of the Chennai roads – they are irrational, they love taking risks and they jeopardize the lives of other road users

• Gender bias is prevalent on Chennai roads – I was advised by my friend (the unlucky pillion driver mentioned in the second paragraph) to be wary of the motor scooter beside me in case it's driven by a female – I however found that females drive better than males